Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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