Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
