Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
