At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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