he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
