Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You ate ashes out of my bong
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
