I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
try to milk me bitch
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