hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
