I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
