Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
