Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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