How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
