dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
