By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
