OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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