Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If I die, sorry about rent.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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