i used baking grease as lip gloss
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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