She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
