we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
