if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
