Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
