After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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