you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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