The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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