"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
