who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
