I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
