my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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