That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
