Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
