My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
