Will you blow on my dice?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
