I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i came on her dog
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
