my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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