Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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