Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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