But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
