yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
And then he peed in my hair
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