I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
