You really coming over, don't trick.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just invented taco cereal.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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