She went from zero to smokin in five shots
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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