you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
