Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
