She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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