just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
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Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
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I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize