Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
We need to rekindle our bromance
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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