I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
