This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
