If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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