The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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