apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
When did angry sex become our thing?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
