I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
