It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
