So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
