I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
