This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
