I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize