true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
