im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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