remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
