I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
