If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
