well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
